Ash
by Readergirl37
Summary: Elena thinks Jeremy is dead, Damon turned off her emotions and no one's home. Someone stops her from burning it all down. Rated M for mentioned sexual assault.


AN: So I still haven't seen past the first episode of season four and I doubt that's going to change this year.

So for this, Elena thinks Jeremy is dead, she is a baby vampire, Damon turned off her emotions and no one's home.

I know that I haven't posted. I've been in a really difficult place in the last few months. I started writing this while my emotions were pretty much absent for a few days. That turned into a few weeks and I thought about the difference between turning off humanity and turning off feelings. That prompted me to see someone.

And I recently got a related PTSD diagnosis.

Life has been hard and strange. Writing has been hard. I don't particularly want to get into why I was diagnosed or what caused any of my journey that started this but this fic was stuck in my head and I needed to get it out.

**Reviews are very much welcome! I branched out a bit on this fic and would love to hear your thoughts!**

I know this will not be everyone's cup of tea and I wish ffn had a tagging and warning system like archiveofourown does. But in case anyone needs it:

Trigger warning/squick warning for attempted suicide, fire, death, mentioned sexual assault, and PTSD.

* * *

There's no panic to her actions. Humanity, emotions, morality, sympathy, and empathy were all thrown around like dodgeballs as she learned about vampires. Damon made it sound easy, like turning a light off or locking a door. It never made sense to her when she was human. She felt everything all the time, worry about everyone else, sadness, anger, everything made her feel something. Everyone made her feel something but for some more than others. They made it sound like being without emotions was terrible.

This is freedom. Elena hasn't been this free in her life. She's always worried about what her parents, friends, the Salvatores, or the one person she can't think of right now thought or felt about her. She's always worried about what her parents thought or felt or friends, or the Salvatores, or the one person she can't think of right now. It's not that it hurts, because nothing hurts. She knows that her feelings that used to drive her like nothing else ever could, are currently in a vault. Like music barely playing a floor below, the volume's turned down low, if she wanted to focus, she could bring it to the surface, could hear them.

It's so easy to tune them out. She knows where Alaric kept the lighter fluid, she's going to need so much of it to get this going the way she wants it, and she knows where the matches are. Part of her wonders faintly if she'll decide to stay too, let herself be engulfed by the flames with her brother. The true end of the Gilbert line. There's nothing left for her anyway. No one is coming to save her. Damon and Stefan are arguing at the Boarding House, Caroline and Bonnie are somewhere unknown, and there's no one left. She lets herself think of the forbidden name stuck in her brain and a whisper of pain passes through her. Elijah.

He's not coming either, off in New Orleans, at least last she heard. There have been times she's been haunted by him, memories, and now is no exception. She takes his letter out of her jacket and rereads it. There's no point in doing so, she's got it memorized but it pulls at something she shoves back down. Elena can't dwell on him. He's moved on from Mystic Falls. Logically she knows what she should and shouldn't do, she shouldn't burn the house down, and she should call for help. _Elijah, _her traitorous brain supplies. There are a few more whispers of feeling that threaten to overwhelm her, it's strange to think he's one of the people she can't help but feel something for right now. She still cares for him in some capacity with her muted feelings, like how she cares for Jeremy, but the feelings are completely different.

He hadn't come back when she turned into a vampire two weeks ago, so he's not coming back now. If everything wasn't destined to go down in flames, maybe she would have written him a letter back, but she has no forwarding address. Life has turned into a nightmare since becoming a vampire. Jeremy's neck was snapped and he didn't wake up. The ring must have run out of chances to give. His death is the push she needed.

She's sired to Damon and her life has been a waking nightmare. The choice to live after dying again wasn't her choice. He told her she couldn't drink out of blood bags, so she physically couldn't. He made her say awful things to Stefan and she hadn't seen Jeremy since before she died because of him. She'll never get to talk to her baby brother again. If she closes her eyes, memories of Damon feeding off her, making her drink from him, his hands all over her, they repeat. And repeat. And repeat. The flash of his camera flashes under her eyelids like strobe lights.

He compelled her to never mention their first meeting, and at that point, she's pretty sure he compelled her to fall in love with him. Since she almost died with her parents, it seems like her life has been nothing but sheer trauma and scrabbling to handle constant aftermath. Maybe it was life trying to correct itself, she thinks. She couldn't die with her parents like she was supposed to because of Stefan, but she can die with her brother now.

There's not a way out of this. So she carefully opens the lighter fluid and begins to pour it onto the living room. She can't bring herself to get any on Jeremy's body. Not yet. It's not emotions, she tells herself. It's not weakness on her part. The body would show signs of an accelerant. If she goes with her brother-it won't really matter in the end. The longer she thinks about it, the more she wants it, and she knows she's not leaving ever again.

Her phone beeps on the counter and she ignores it. It would be smart to make sure she's not interrupted and she knows she's been able to fake having emotions when she's wanted to. She knows how she'd react and what she'd say to most things, but there's no feeling behind her gestures or words. Most people don't truly care, after all. Elena learned that quickly after her parents died, no one seemed to look too hard after her half-hearted replies that she was fine.

There's no point in delaying it, in any of it. It's fitting that she light a book Damon left here once, on her kitchen table. It's late enough in the night for her neighbors to be asleep, she might get lucky and have most of the house burn before the fire department is called. Everyone who's ever lived here has died and she's died twice. There's nothing left. Too many memories, too much stuff to sort and sob over. There aren't any plots left for her and Jeremy. Part of her wonders if he's watching her now, ready for her to join him. To join them in the afterlife, if there is one. She wants to go home because it isn't here, home was all of the people she loved. This house isn't the same without them and she can't stand it, even without emotions. Thinking about it too long will rip her open, seam by seam until there's nothing left. She wants to see her parents again and be at peace. To apologize to Jenna and John and maybe see Isobel.

This isn't home without a family. Her mom, dad, Jenna, Alaric, John, Isobel, Jeremy, they were her family in their ways. No one is left. There are bottles of bourbon that she'll never touch, textbooks of Jenna's they never got rid of, her mom's jewelry, her dad's books, Jeremy's drawings, all of it is overwhelming even with just pure logic running her brain.

_That's why Damon shut it off for you, the emotional overload,_ she thinks. It shouldn't have been his choice to just do that to her. Most of what he's done to her shouldn't have been just _his_ choice. She hates the fact she couldn't stop him. Her phone beeps again. Foolish as it may be, as she lights the match, she allows herself to think of Elijah as she drops the match onto the book on the dining room table. A last weakness. No one's around to see it, after all.

_Your compassion is a gift, Elena. Carry it with you as I will carry my regret._ But she can't carry her compassion. There's nothing to hold on to. No emotion she can feel, even if she could break the compulsion. She watches the fire with vacant eyes, watches the flames curl around the book and begin to work on the table. Her phone beeps again. Soon it won't matter at all. Nothing matters now anyway.

She'll stay here, with Jeremy. She wasn't there for his last breaths, but he'll be with her when she takes hers, in a way. Elena reaches for the flame, curious if it's quicker for vampires to just burn. Someone grabs her and she struggles in an iron grip. The book is turning to ash in front of her along with the table.

"Let go of me," she hisses. This is what she wants. She should have one last thing, and it's probably Damon who won't let her have peace in her last moments. She fights as hard as she can against the steel arms holding her.

"Elena," a familiar voice beseeches. She breathes in familiar cologne and stops fighting.

"Elijah. Let go of me. I-" she begins. He lets go of her, to her surprise. She blinks and the flames are gone. She wants to cry and wail and scream at him for his malice.

"No. No no no no," she repeats, as his face appears in front of hers. Their positions change but his hand is on her cheek. The touch is gentle, but she also knows he could snap her neck, just like this, if he wanted. He looks at her intently, dark eyes meeting hers.

"You've turned off your humanity," he notes. His letter is still on the counter next to her phone and she wonders if he saw that.

"Damon did, with his sire bond," she corrects. His eyes harden but his touch softens. His voice is even softer as he speaks.

"How else has he used the sire bond?" Elijah inquires. If her emotions were on, she might be overwhelmed by their proximity, the fact Elijah smells like coffee and beignets, the fact he's really here, and he's not wearing a suit. As it is, she focuses on his question.

"Can't say," Elena answers. He frowns at that, his other hand reaching up to hold her face. She resists the urge to lean into the touch. As soon as he leaves, she's going to continue her plan. Thinking of him was one thing but being weak in front of him is another.

"Won't say?" he asks. Her expression remains the same.

"_Can't say,_" she repeats, slowly. He nods and one arm moves to wrap around her waist. If she had her emotions on, it'd send a thrill down her spine, to be this close, but it doesn't.

"Lovely Elena," he begins and she stares back at him unblinking.

"I release you from all previous compulsion," he finishes. She crumples slightly, at the force of it. He's got her, and he tells her so, murmuring into her hair, one hand at the back of her head. It's the same way he tried to hold her after she stabbed herself. That time though, she had a dagger in his back, the touch was brief, and this is entirely different.

It's like sorting through a room full to the ceiling of loose papers, it takes time to sort, and process her mind. She doesn't realize she's shaking until Elijah's hand strokes her back, steadily. He doesn't demand anything from her, just keeps her up like a stone pillar.

"Jeremy isn't dead. I can hear his heartbeat. You can too if you can focus," he whispers gently. She flashes out of his arms and kneels next to the couch. Tears keep falling from her eyes and she realizes that as she keeps blinking them away.

"Jer," she says, her voice shaking. She can hear herself screaming when she first saw his body, flashing back violently, over and over and over and she focuses on Jeremy in front of her. He gasps for air and she clutches at him. She focuses on him as well as she can.

"Oh thank god. Oh thank god," she mumbles as she clutches at him. Jeremy lets himself be held by her but jumps in her arms when he sees Elijah out of the corner of his eye.

"What-" he trails off. He sees the dining room table, partially charred, ash on the top of it. He clears his throat.

"What happened when I was out?" Jeremy asks. Elena gives him a choked laugh and clutches at him for another minute. He's the one who lets go and looks at her. He hasn't really seen her as a vampire yet, she remembers.

"I'll tell you tomorrow. Can you stay with Matt tonight? I'm still not where I want to be with blood and people yet and I don't want to hurt you," she tells him and he nods. It's not unexpected.

"I'll pack a bag and text him. Is my phone still in my room?" he asks. It is, still charging, still on silent. She remembers it from when she walked through the house before she made her plan.

"Yeah," she says. He gets off the couch and moves to walk up the stairs when she asks if he can keep what happened tonight to himself.

"I promise I'll tell you tomorrow. I'm just not ready now. And I don't want the Salvatores or anyone else finding out either before I can explain it myself," she tells him. Jeremy accepts this answer with a nod.

Elijah stands next to her as they watch him walk up the stairs and hear him pack a bag.

"We can talk after he's gone," she promises. Elijah nods and takes in his surroundings.

"You kept my letter," he observes. She might be overstimulated and imagining things but she's pretty sure he sounds _touched._

"I did. I kept it tucked in my diary here. I didn't keep a real diary when I lived with the Salvatores. Didn't want anyone to read it," she explains. His eyes narrow at her unspoken words. They will be revisiting that later. Jeremy comes back down with a bag and his phone in hand.

"Is my car still in the garage?" he asks.

"Yeah," Elena answers. She forgot about the cars in her plan to burn the house down. She also forgot about the fact the fire could spread to her neighbors if the wind changed. Thinking with emotions is like being back here, it's home, it makes sense, but it hurts. Even looking at Elijah hurts now that she's stopped crying.

"I'll drive myself over to Matt's and let you two continue whatever it is you're doing," Jeremy tells them. Elena wants to offer to drive him but she doesn't trust herself and she doesn't want Elijah to go either.

"Text me when you get there?" she requests. It seems so ridiculous in light of everything that's happened in the last few minutes. Can Jeremy see the tension between her and Elijah? She can't help but wonder if it's blatant. Jeremy nods in confirmation and leaves the room.

"You lived with the Salvatores?" Elijah asks as they hear the garage door open.

"Yeah. To sum up, what happened after you left, I drove off Wickery Bridge to avoid hitting Rebekah. Stefan came and I told him to save Matt. I didn't know I had Damon's blood in my system. Apparently, when I'd gone to the hospital after Klaus tried to drain me into blood bags, I had a head injury severe enough for Meredith Fell to give me vampire blood. And I had a sire bond," Elena tells him. She'd offer him a seat, but the dining room chairs are smokey and Jeremy was just freshly dead on her couch so standing is honestly their best option.

"And I remembered everything I was compelled to forget as a human. Including the fact that I met Damon first. He told me what I'd want in a relationship, basically that I'd want him, and he'd see me around," Elena adds. She watches Elijah's lips press together but he doesn't speak.

"And he confessed to me, after I got my necklace back, not long after we met you, that he was in love with me, and that he wanted me to love him back. Then he erased the memory," Elena continues. It's easier to look at the wall than the face Elijah's making. He's not angry at her, she knows, but she's still trying to process everything. If she doesn't have to watch his face, it's one less thing to try and juggle as she recalls everything.

"And he compelled me to dagger Rebekah. And if he had been here when you asked for Klaus's body, I think he would have compelled me then too. I gave Rebekah her necklace back when we were almost friends and then I just. I guess I trusted them not to compel me," Elen admits to the wall. She rubs her temples and closes her eyes. It's humiliating to admit aloud. Logically she knows it wasn't her fault she got taken advantage of but there was something she could have done to stop it.

"Then there was the sire bond. And he told me I couldn't drink from blood bags. So I couldn't keep them down. I threw up blood every time I tried. I almost starved to death. He made me drink his blood and took mine. He made me say awful things to so many people I care about. And he kept me from seeing Jeremy. And he did-" she trails off. She breathes in before she speaks again.

"Other things," Elena admits, stressing the words. She wants to run from this conversation but it feels so good to finally say it out loud to someone. Her hands are over her face to protect herself again. Memories of Damon's camera flashes behind her eyelids and she winces. Elijah's hand wraps gently around one of her wrists. She could break this grip if she wants to, she could tell him to let go and he would. The differences of then and now flash in her brain. She can hear herself screaming on repeat. She winces at all of the memories that keep playing on a loop from hell.

"What else did he do, Elena?" he inquires. She lets him guide her hands away from her face. She can't make herself say the words.

"He wouldn't keep his hands off me. And afterward, he'd take pictures," Elena confesses. She lets herself be held again and she's not sure if Elijah's holding her to comfort her or to prevent himself from going after Damon. She didn't even know she had this many tears to cry, and she's still not sure why Elijah's here.

"Who told you to come back?" she asks through a sniffle. She lets her head rest against his shoulder. There's no way he had just happened to have that good of timing, not while he was living in New Orleans. She's been isolated from so many people she cares about and Elena wonders who rang the alarm.

"Caroline, technically. She's been talking to Klaus who mentioned it to me this morning. I came here to offer you my help, and to connect some dots myself. There were a lot of things that didn't add up. Klaus didn't mention your sire bond or that you turned it off," Elijah informs her.

"That happened a few days ago. And I've been pretty isolated since I died," she admits. He frowns once again.

"When I walked in, were you planning to-" he says, voice trailing off.

"Yes. I was. There's no room in the Gilbert plot for Jeremy or I. Jenna and John took the last spots. And what better way to get rid of the bodies than a fire?" Elena asks bitterly. His arms tighten around her at her response.

"Bodies?" He echoes.

"I didn't feel anything. And I thought I was doomed to be with Damon. And Jeremy was gone. Everyone who's lived in this house has died. I only have Jeremy left. And I was ready to go with him. I never wanted to be a vampire," she reminds him. Elijah is quiet and she wonders with quiet shock if he has feelings for her. He was keeping tabs on her, he cared that she kept the letter, and he hasn't kept distance between them since he got here. Elena doesn't mind his proximity, not at all. Maybe they're both here to connect some dots.

"And it doesn't help that my trial run was a waking nightmare," she adds.

"I could teach you if you wanted," he offers. She still has her face in his jacket, smelling in chickory, coffee, powdered sugar, and beignets, with his cologne. If she focuses she can smell what might be Rebekah's perfume and whatever detergent he uses.

"I do. I want that. I want to fix things. I need to get my stuff from the Boarding House and for all of those pictures to be deleted. And I need to apologize to Caroline and Bonnie and Matt. I need to talk to Jeremy. And I want to apologize to Rebekah. I want to tell her I understand. I don't know if I'll forgive her for killing me and Alaric, but I understand it," Elena tells him.

"I can escort you to get your things and teach the Salvatores a few lessons as you gather your things," he offers.

"I'd like that," she pulls back to offer a watery smile. They pull apart and Elena looks at the book on the table, partially ash. Then her eyes move to the kitchen counter, where her phone sits with the letter he wrote to her.

"I can't believe you came for me," she murmurs, reaching for her phone. Two of the missed texts are from him. The other is Damon, demanding to know where she is. It wouldn't be hard for him to connect the dots, she took Jeremy's body and left. It's so much easier to focus on Elijah.

"I always will, if you want me to," he promises. He doesn't offer anything lightly. His letter flits through her mind. Always and forever, he'd said. That's not something she took lightly either.

"I do. I'm not ready to try and ask anything else of you right now, or to figure out anything with us, but I do want your presence. And for you to help me get my things back and I'm not suggesting anything when I say I want you to stay with me tonight. I just want you near if that makes sense, I don't want just anyone, I want you, though maybe in a place with fewer scorch marks for the night," she tells him.

"Whatever you want or need, I will give it to you," he vows. She forgets how to breathe for a moment. Elijah's never been one to half-ass anything, it makes sense that his emotions are as intense as he is.

"Can you drive? And does your trunk have space for a few boxes?" she asks. He nods, patting one of his pockets to pull out a shiny set of keys. Bugatti. She's just thankful they're not for a Camaro. She takes a minute to compose herself and gets rid of the evidence that she cried.

The letter is safely tucked back with her diary where it belongs. She slides it into her empty overnight bag, just in case. Her purse is slung over her shoulder and she walks back down the stairs. It seems ridiculous to have house keys as a vampire but she locks the door behind them after they leave anyway. She'll need to clean up the lighter fluid, the charred mess, and look for smoke damage tomorrow. There's only so much she can do tonight. Her emotions are back on and she realizes she needs to address her trauma sooner or later. Trauma, the best word to describe the last few years of her life, she thinks.

The drive is quiet, the engine purrs, and Elena relaxes into his passenger seat. It must have been a long drive up here, she's surprised he drove instead of flying. He's always given her a lot to think about.

"What do you need to retrieve?" Elijah asks as they leave her street.

"My clothes. Some shoes, toiletries, a few books, I can be packed in a few minutes if you have their attention," Elena tells him. Some of it is sort of hers, Damon bought her some new clothes before she learned how to handle things again, she ripped up several shirts and jeans trying to deal with her new abilities, and he'd gotten her interim clothes along with a few replacements. He doesn't need them or the memories attached to them, she wants to take them so she can burn them. Maybe turning into a vampire turned her into a pyromaniac, or at least someone with a few of the tendencies.

"What do you want to happen to them?" Elijah asks, voice serious. There's a weight to his words and she remembers the Elijah she first met who slapped Trevor's head clean off. He has the same look on his face.

"I don't want to see Damon for the rest of my life. I want those pictures deleted and I want his memory erased of me. I want him to leave not just me alone, but everyone. I think he did the same thing to Caroline when he was new in town. She never talked about it but I know he compelled her too. I think he-I think he hurt her the way he hurt me," she manages to say.

She can't say the words that she knows by textbook definition. Elena's spent enough time with Sheriff Forbes and her deputies to know what does and doesn't qualify as rape, sexual assault, or sexual battery in the eyes of the law, she knows the clinical definitions and signs. He'll never face a judge, jury, cops, or even jail time. There's not a supernatural court system to address any of this. She shivers despite the heat outside.

"And Stefan did nothing to stop any of this?" Elijah asks, voice low. It almost makes her shudder. It's like watching a shark sense blood in the water.

"I don't know how much of it he knew about," Elena tells him. She can't fully remember how often Stefan was home or not. He might not know the difference in her screaming either. She watches him process that information.

"I'll find out," he says. It's an oddly reassuring threat.

"They've both saved my life. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Stefan, but this isn't just my choice. Caroline should have a say in his fate too," Elena says. She remembers hearing about the college girls that ended up in his bed and she wonders if he hurt them too. Elena wonders again if Stefan ever knew what kind of monster his brother was or if he was just ignorant. Her eyes slide over to the Original next to her.

She wants to ask why he moved with Klaus to New Orleans, but she knows Mystic Falls doesn't exactly have much to offer. It's not the time to ask if he's single, but she hopes he is. He lets her prepare herself mentally in the silence. The drive is over in what feels like a minute and she freezes in his passenger seat. He offers a reassuring smile, a real smile, that reaches his eyes, not just a smirk. Her heart stutters and she offers a smile back. They can do this.

Elena's not going to stand between Elijah and letting him disembowel Damon if that's what he wants. A dark part of her wants that too, justice, crime, and punishment since there's no chance he'll ever stand trial for anything he's ever done. A girl's night with Bonnie and Caroline sounds better than anything else right now, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

She gets out of the car after Elijah does and follows him to the front door. Stefan opens it, surprised to see Elijah and see emotions in Elena's eyes again. Damon appears behind him and Elena leans back slightly. Elijah is just a few inches away from her but she doesn't want to reach for him in front of the Salvatores because this isn't about that.

"I'm here to get my things and that's it," Elena tells them. Stefan raises an eyebrow.

"So you needed an Original specifically to help you pack?" he asks.

"I needed an Original to break my sire bond and all previous compulsion, including anything I ever felt for Damon," Elena clarifies. Damon scowls and Elena has a flash of fear that reminds her she doesn't have vervain in her system.

"You abused me. Everything between us was always a lie, since before my parents died. I'm getting my things and you aren't going to stop me," Elena tells him, looking straight into his eyes.

"Or what?" Damon challenges, leaning into her space. Stefan shifts his weight from one foot to another, staring at Damon and Elena. She knows that look, Stefan is connecting the dots as he looks between them.

"Or I can take your head from your shoulders or your tactless tongue from your mouth," Elijah answers. It's with the knowledge Elijah can fend off both of the brothers that she walks into the Boarding House. She can hear them all talking, and she flashes to get her things. There's not much care to her actions, Elena just wants the night to be over. Exhaustion is starting to gnaw at her with sharp teeth. Elijah's talking but she focuses on finding her perfume and toothbrush. Just a few more things and she'll be free of this place forever.

Her duffel bag is slung over her shoulder as she hears bones cracking. Damon had stopped taking vervain when it seemed like the Originals were done with Mystic Falls for good, thank god.

"Stay away from Elena and Caroline," Elijah warns them both. Damon rolls his eyes.

"Or what?" Stefan asks.

"Or I'll kill you both," Elijah answers. He says it so matter of factly that it almost doesn't surprise her. Damon looks at her again, reaching for her, like a slow-motion nightmare.

"Kath-" he begins. Elena's eyes widen and she slaps him.

"I am not and never have been Katherine. Rot in hell," she tells him and walks out the front door. There's no point in sticking to watch Elijah compel both of them or torture herself by staying in the boarding house a moment longer.

Her bag joins Elijah's black duffel bag in his trunk, along with a cooler, full of blood, she assumes. Elijah has a few parting words that she tunes out but he's in the driver's seat by the time she buckles her seatbelt. He drives away immediately, but her thoughts keep her from taking in their change of scenery, she's thankful her journal is in her bag.

The drive is quiet, and he drives out of Mystic Falls before they arrive at a hotel.

There's a valet whose jaw drops slightly as they park, and she gets out to retrieve their bags. Elijah's talking to the valet and she wants to carry their bags herself, she can do it. It's nice to have something to hold on to. Elijah presses the keys and a bill into the valet's hand and takes his suitcase from her. Elena follows him in and she wonders if he was always planning on staying here, at this ridiculously nice hotel.

She might still smell like lighter fluid, she thinks as she looks at the pristine lobby. The thought of it almost makes her laugh. It seems like only a second passes before Elijah's hand lightly brushes against hers. She must have spaced out, but she lets him take her hand and lead her to their suite. It's hard to be present when her mind is out in another galaxy and trying to process everything.

Their suite looks like they stepped into a glossy magazine. There are at least two bedrooms with separate bathrooms, and undoubtedly much more to see, but Elena just wants to shower.

"I'm gonna shower, I think I still smell like lighter fluid and smoke," she tells him as she rummages through her bag and Elijah nods.

"I'm just a room away if you need anything," he reminds her. Elena gives him another small smile before she walks into the bathroom.

The towels are ridiculously fluffy, and the water is steaming hot. She lets the water almost burn her for what feels like just a few minutes and a week at the same time. This is not at all how she thought her day would go and she lets herself sob into the water.

She's finally free of Damon. He's never going to hurt her again and if he does Elijah will stop him forever. Jeremy is alive and so is she. Elijah didn't let her set her house on fire. She could have killed Jeremy, she realizes with a choked gasp.

She hasn't felt herself in a long time. It's not back to normal, not by a long shot, but it's closer to who she wants to be than who she was this morning. It's easy to scrub too hard, her skin heals from the abuse she gives, so she scrubs hard, turning herself temporarily raw. Damon will never touch her again. Learning to handle vampirism won't be easy but she's not going to be actively sabotaged now either.

Elijah's a rabbit hole she doesn't let herself wonder about until she manages to start washing her hair. She's not sure when she started having feelings for him or if anyone else noticed. His run feelings deep and she can't help but wonder what she missed while under Damon's control.

When she's scrubbed herself raw again and she can't smell smoke or lighter fluid, she turns off the water. The bathroom is full of steam as she reaches for a ridiculously fluffy towel. There's even a robe that goes down to her knees that she slips on to start her night routine.

She's cried it all out and she's thankful it's over for now. There's a small clarity in the aftermath of it that she's thankful for. This is safe for now. It's easy to change into pajamas and pretend for a moment that everything is fine. Elena listens to find Elijah, she's hungry, and she wonders if he forgot the cooler in the trunk. He's sitting on a plush, gray sofa with a book that looks older than she is.

"Do you have blood?" she asks. He nods, leading her to a pristine white kitchen, fridge full of blood bags.

"I feel like I'm always hungry," she admits. It doesn't help that Damon wanted her on a starvation diet of blood either.

"That gets easier with time. Take what you want," Elijah tells her. She does. Her phone is buried in her purse but she doesn't want anything but solitude. Sitting here, in this kitchen feels surreal, and she doesn't want to talk to anyone but her fingers itch for a pen. So she sits on the counter with a warm glass of blood next to her and her journal on her lap. She goes through a few more before she's truly ready to call it a night. Elena finds Elijah a room away, writing what looks like _his_ journal to her surprise.

"You keep a journal?" she asks, unable to keep the curiosity out of her voice. He doesn't shut it and move it away from her potentially prying eyes as she expects but smiles instead. He's all smiles for her, she thinks, and the thought makes her warm. The last few hours have been surreal. He's been an open book and it's a refreshing change from constant mind games. Before he came back today, he used to get closer to her, walk closely, sit closely, but he's been very vigilant of her personal space in light of all that's happened.

"I do. I have almost since I was turned. And you?" Elijah wonders. Elena thinks of her first journals, covered in stickers, entries written in bright gel pens with the messy handwriting of a child who just learned cursive.

"Since about third grade, I think I have my old journals in the attic somewhere. I'm going to try to sleep in a few minutes. I wanted to say goodnight," she tells him. His eyes are warm and entirely focused on her, the journal and pen in his hands forgotten for a moment. She wonders if he's writing about her like how she wrote about him.

"Goodnight, lovely Elena," he murmurs.

"Goodnight, Elijah," she murmurs back. She walks to her room, aware of his eyes on her, but she still feels safe. She slides her journal into her bag and retreats into the ridiculously large bed. It's with the knowledge no one knows where she is that she drifts to sleep.

* * *

She's shoved against a wall and she watches the stake get slammed into her chest as she screams. She takes a breath and realizes she's still screaming, as she to remember. Her eyes open, she thought they were open already. Elena's pulse is pounding, as she's out of breath, fighting someone who isn't there. It comes back to her tired brain after a few moments. The fire, Elijah, the hotel they're in now, and she sees him a few feet away. She's thankful he's not invading her space because as much as she likes him, she still needs her space. Having someone touch her right now would only make her panic more.

"I had a dream I dreamed you up. And I was back there. Damon was mad and he staked me," Elena whispers. She doesn't elaborate if she means the house she was going to burn or the Boarding House. Elijah's eyes are full of concern and his previous words repeat in her mind, _whatever you want or need, I will give it to you. _

"Can you stay until I fall asleep? Just, in the room? If that's not a bother?" Elena asks. Elijah nods with a reassuring smile. He's wearing a loose black shirt and sweatpants and she watches him walk to the other room to retrieve his book. He sits on the couch near the bed and gives her a reassuring smile. She settles back under the thick comforter, happy to sleep alone in a bed. Elena's pretty sure she can hear Elijah humming faintly as her eyes slide shut. The tension fades out of her body and she sleeps soundly enough.

* * *

She wakes up to sunlight pouring through the windows hitting her eyes. The first thing she sees is Elijah, asleep with his book still in his hands. The perks of having a neck that heals quickly, she thinks. He couldn't pull that position off as a human without some major pain later. He didn't have to stay for the rest of the night, but he did. The gesture makes her blink and she realizes there are tears in her eyes. They burn but she lets herself cry again, chemical release plus emotional buildup equals processing.

She blinks when something brushes against her hand. She doesn't mean to jerk and inhale sharply but she does anyway. Elena blinks a few tears away to see Elijah's handkerchief being pressed into her hand. She accepts it, curious if he'll ask why she's crying. She doesn't offer an explanation, opting to watch him instead.

"I don't say my next words lightly," he warns. His tone is kind and she looks at his disheveled hair and his book on the couch before she meets his eyes.

"I think you have several symptoms that would indicate post-traumatic stress. I know someone you could talk to about all of it in New Orleans- a psychiatrist I turned a few decades ago," Elijah informs her. It makes sense to hear it said aloud, but it takes her a moment to remember all of the symptoms from her dad's worn copy of the DSM IV. It hurt in a new way when the next one came out after his death. It looked like it should have belonged in their study.

It's not exactly like SSRIs work on vampires, she wants to say. But she knows talking about all of it and trying to process it all with a professional would be better than going it alone.

"Sounds like a good step," Elena agrees. Despite the amount of sleep she's had, she's tired at the thought of how many more steps she has to take. There's still lighter fluid in her house, she still has so many apologies to make, and she might be moving to New Orleans.

"Please tell me you don't live with Klaus," Elena says. Elijah laughs and shakes his head.

"I don't live with Klaus," he promises.

* * *

The drive back to Mystic Falls gives them both time to think. Elijah is quick to help her clean up the lighter fluid and the ash. It's not easy but it is quicker than if they were human. The table can be repaired with some expert time and effort but Elena's loathe to see it leave the house for a while. Elijah continues to surprise her. Even with so much to say between them, all of the apologies they've thrown at each other's feet, the betrayal, the attempted fratricide from both sides-they can be quiet. Elijah helps her pack most of what she thinks she'll take to New Orleans. Staying in Mystic Falls isn't a good idea, even with Damon compelled to stay away from her.

Jeremy texts her back by the time they've run out of things to do. She thought she'd run out of tears but she finds Elijah wiping them away with his thumbs.

"I don't know how to talk to Jeremy. How do I even begin to explain last night? I almost killed my brother," she whispers. Her feelings drown her for a moment.

"Explain it. He will forgive you, in time," Elijah promises. It's not his place to promise that, she knows. She could tell Jeremy everything and he could hate her, but she knows in her gut he won't. Today will be long but she knows she's endured worse days. She'll be able to talk to Matt too if he hasn't gone to work yet. She has a lot of apologies she wants to make today. They're all so overdue.

* * *

The door swings open before she can knock and Caroline speaks first, to her surprise.

"You've turned it back on," Caroline says. Her eyes dart to the shiny Bugatti sitting in her driveway and Elijah visible in the driver's seat.

"Elijah helped. And he broke my sire bond. And got rid of all of Damon's compulsion. And I'm so sorry. I never wanted to pick him over you. I never wanted to do so many things. And I was hoping we could have a girls' night. I haven't been myself in a long time and-" Elena trails off as she gets tackled in a hug.

It's hard to explain that she wasn't in control and that she's here to apologize. Elena doesn't explain what Elijah saved her from or the fact she almost killed Jeremy, but she'll bring it up in time.

"Of course. I'll get Bonnie over here. We have a lot to talk about," Caroline smiles. Relief hits Elena like a wave and she looks back to Elijah.

"I'm gonna talk to him before I come in," Elena excuses. Caroline shoots her a wink. It feels like it's been a million years since they've been allowed to be light-hearted like this. Elijah's got his window down and lets her lean in. This feels right. So many things feel average and completely normal, she's a girl talking to the boy she likes in a driveway. If he got out Caroline's neighbors might gossip, this is safest and they know that.

"I'll around if you need anything. Have fun with your friends," he says, and it's genuine. She lets herself grin fully, lets the grin take up her whole face with the action.

"I will," she says. There's no rush to this moment. It's with that in mind she lets herself lean in, and kisses Elijah on the cheek. He gives her another smile, it is so easy to just _be_ with him when they aren't on opposite sides. She lets herself grin back, excited at the idea of having eternity to explore it and be with him. It's strange to think of how quickly things can change, she went from being hopeless and suicidal last night to hopeful this afternoon. After another moment, she tears herself away but watches his car disappear down the street before she goes back to Caroline.

* * *

"Damon compelled me to do so many things. And I'm still trying to process and figure out who I am now. I have the ability to make my own choices again and I'm trying to handle it all," Elena says. Caroline bites her lip.

"He took away my ability to choose too," Caroline admits. It's been sitting in her brain for years now. The words hit the silence and she closes her eyes. She's never actually admitted it out loud to someone else before.

"It's so hard to not be angry with yourself when your body betrays you," Elena blurts. A few tears escape her eyes. She remembers screaming in her mind as her body moved against her will.

"I'd leave my body. I just. I looked at it like it wasn't me on the bed and I was just an outsider looking at it. I wasn't there. It wasn't me," Caroline confesses. Elena reaches for her and Caroline lets herself be held.

"I remembered when I turned. But everything was overwhelming and I was scared if I told Stefan he wouldn't believe me or that he'd stop helping me. So I just kept it to myself. And slowly dealt with it by myself. I'm here to help you with the aftermath. I think we both have some post-traumatic stress," Caroline says. Elijah's words about the psychiatrist in NOLA return and she makes a note to ask Caroline about that later.

"Elijah compelled Damon to stay away from us. And he offered to kill him for me. And I realized he probably hurt you and that I never asked. I told Elijah it wasn't just my choice to make. If you want him dead, I'm sure Elijah and Klaus would be happy to arrange it," Elena says.

It's hard to get all of it out in the air and Elena knows she's going to have to repeat it for Bonnie, but it's good to have this one on one time with Caroline about this.

"We should debate that later. Unless Elijah compelled him to live in a cave and never have contact with anyone else ever again, he's still gonna be a predator. He's going to go after other women. He's a serial predator," Caroline says sagely. Elena wonders if Caroline knows how much she sounds like her mom. Elena thinks of every woman Damon has hurt and the names she doesn't know. The faces he's long forgotten. Caroline is not wrong.

It's so nice to slowly get the weight off her chest and to have this heart to heart.

"We should have that talk later, but it feels like it's been forever since I've seen you. I missed you so much. I missed talking. I missed being listened to. I missed you and Bonnie more than I can put into words," Elena confesses. There were so many moments since she died that she just wanted to talk to her friends or her journal or a friendly face. She wants to sleep next to Bonnie and Caroline tonight, like they have since they were little kids, laughing in the night about nothing and everything. Everything's changed since then but she wants them to stay the same, Elena craves the constants of their friendship more than anything.

"I thought you were acting off but I thought you were always on vervain," Caroline frowns. Elena grimaces.

"Damon would often just take my necklace off. Then he'd put it back on after he compelled me to forget what just happened," Elena explains.

Caroline lets out a long sigh. They spend some time in comfortable silence before Elena startles.

"The car in the driveway is Bonnie. It's okay. Listen to the heartbeat, it's human," Caroline says. Elena focuses as they hear a car door shut. It's hard to stop being hypervigilant, even though she knows she and Caroline are capable enough, Bonnie's an army by herself, and Elijah's a call away. Elena forces herself to take a deep breath. Bonnie shuts the front door behind her with an overnight bag in her arms.

"I need to tell you both about last night," Elena says. Caroline raises an eyebrow.

"Did you-" Caroline begins. Elena shakes her head. It's going to be a while before she wants to even think about sharing a bed with someone like that.

"What'd I miss?" Bonnie wonders. She sets her bag down and looks at Elena intently.

"Elijah helped me break my sire bond. He released me from all previous compulsion. And Damon compelled me since the night my parents died. I got my things from the Boarding House yesterday," Elena begins. She can feel their eyes on her and she picks an uninteresting part of Caroline's living room wall to stare at before she begins again.

"Elijah found me at my house. Jeremy wasn't coming back to life. I started pouring lighter fluid," Elena says. Her breath catches at the smell that burns her nose, she can still smell the fire if she closes her eyes. She doesn't look at Bonnie or Caroline.

"There aren't any plots left for Jeremy or I. Jenna and John took the last two. I was going to set the house on fire with us inside and stay there," Elena finishes.

"Us?" Bonnie echoes.

"Jeremy and I. I almost killed us both," Elena confesses. She's so tired of crying but tears burn her eyes again anyway. Caroline has a hand over her mouth. Bonnie stares at her in horror.

"My emotions were off. I didn't see another way out of it. Now that I'm free of Damon and compulsion and the sire bond I'm fine. I'm not thinking like that anymore," Elena swears. Bonnie's lip shakes.

"I wish you could have called us. I thought something was up but I thought maybe you were just caught up in Damon. That you'd come to your senses. I wish we helped. I'm so sorry you were suffering alone for so long. And knowing Damon, you couldn't tell anyone what he did to you," Bonnie says as she blinks away tears. Elena nods.

She begins to tell them about everything from the first time, she met Damon to her plan to go to New Orleans with Elijah.

They'll get into the standard sleepover things later, with ice cream, movies, and maybe talk about their love lives. Later is a promise she doesn't mind keeping anymore. Forever stretches out in front of her and it doesn't seem like a prison sentence anymore.

* * *

She feels so safe sleeping next to Bonnie and Caroline as they have since they were kids. It reminds her of easier times. Elena can hear Sheriff Forbes in the driveway. She does her best to be quiet taking off her boots and locking the door. Elena can hear her steady footsteps, heading to Caroline's room, and closes her eyes. Liz lets out a sigh of relief at the sight of them before she makes her way to her bedroom. Damon doesn't have an invitation here. Elena runs herself through a checklist before she lets herself close her eyes again. There's missed texts on her phone that can wait until after the sun's up.

Caroline's up first, humming to herself in the kitchen as Elena feels Bonnie move next to her. Elena can smell coffee brewing, vanilla, and flour. Caroline is making pancakes for them like her dad used to for their sleepovers. Liz wasn't always around enough to do things like that. Elena thinks of John and her dad in her brain fog of not being fully awake. Between the three of them, they have enough grief and trauma to last a few lifetimes, but they carry on.

"Do I smell coffee?" Bonnie mumbles into her pillow.

"You do. Care's also making pancakes," Elena tells her. Bonnie grins before she commits to dragging herself out of bed. Today is Elena's last day in Mystic Falls for at least a few weeks and it's off to a great start.

* * *

She can hear Elijah park as close as one can to the cemetery. She texted him to tell him she'd be here but his presence is still surprising. When he comes into view, she sees him in a charcoal gray suit, with several bouquets in his arms. For a moment she wonders if this is his attempt to woo her. He knows this is her last day in Mystic Falls for a while and logically she knows he's not expecting her to keep all of those flowers in vases in a house she won't be living in or in a car driving down to New Orleans.

"You mentioned you wanted to visit your family," he says simply. The dots connect and she blinks a few tears away at the thoughtfulness of the gesture. Elena doesn't dare reach for him in any way in case she crushes the flowers, but she'll thank him fully later.

Elena takes care to sit down next to her parents after she sets each bouquet down. The last time she visited them was before she died. It's easy now to just ramble. There's no space left here for her and for now, that's okay. A year ago, her life had a set expiration date, and she was okay with that. Now, eternity stretches out in front of her, and she can't help but be excited at the thought. Things aren't perfect, not by a long shot, but they're so much better than they have been. Her parents might not have approved of Elijah, but she can't imagine them disliking him too much after seeing how much he's helped her and how much she likes him. She's not ready to say love, but she doesn't tell them much about Elijah out loud. She's not sure if he's listening.

She makes her rounds, to Jenna, to Alaric, then John, then Isobel. It's so strange to think of how far away she'll be from their graves. She hasn't gone anywhere away from Mystic Falls for more than a few days since her parents died. Georgia flashes through her mind and she shudders. She has a long road ahead of her but it's going to be okay. Elijah's silent presence helps as she finishes her goodbyes.

Elena makes her way to his car. Peace spreads through her as Elijah's hand reaches for hers.

finis.

* * *

I'm not usually one for author's notes after a fic but I'm not going to continue this. This was a oneshot for me to work on where my head's at.

However:

Elena would have given Rebekah's necklace back. Elena would talk to someone who can help her fully. (I'm not there yet so I decided against trying to fumble my way through that)

Bonnie and Caroline would have made their way to NOLA at some point as well. As it is, my journey with this isn't in the recovery part of the graph as much as I'm just in the processing part. Healing hasn't started yet. This was hard to write and I would love to hear what you all thought of it! Thank you for reading!


End file.
